I recently bought a book of free verse. It's nothing. But it can't happen, "I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. You kick the priest in the nuts and say, "Fuck you, Father, I don't do that shit" And you're out the door. ""Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. On Health Care: George Carlin Called It | by Sean Murphy - Medium You want somethin' hot to suck on? Another great skit by the great stand-up comedian George Carlin who died about two years . George Carlin. What George Carlin Believed About Religion When you get to Wikipedia, in the search field for Wikipedia, I want you to type in ". Nine years ago today we lost not only one of our better comics, but one of our most vital and intelligent voices. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? ", "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George Carlin Shitting on Government for 8 Minutes Straight "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.". Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. ""George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. Then youre just what theyre looking for. Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. At least he's honest!" What? Stick to your faggoty polkas and waltzes and that repulsive country line-dancing shit that you do and be yourself, be proud, be white, be lame, and get the fuck off the dance floor! The only story I know of where clouds are important was Noah's Ark! ""This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. George Carlin on God "The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. But you ever notice there's no war on homelessness, is there? 35. - George Carlin. Where are these people hiding? Heres all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Here's what you do: First of all, you don't get all scared and do whatever he tells you. And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!". First of all, I can see the sun, okay? If you burn the flag, youre burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. ""Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. Continue with Recommended Cookies. While some of his views may not be popular among the masses, he does make an interesting point when it comes to government. The planet will take care of itself. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. Are people's lives so bankrupt they sit at home looking at things they already DID? They want obedient workers. The people left of center were liberals; the people right of center were conservatives. They own all the important land. But they take it too far, they take themselves too seriously, they exaggerate. When else are you gonna record it, afterwards? Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesnt mean the circus has left town. George Carlin, 23. They say if you scratch a cynic, you'll find a disappointed idealist. What the fuck do white people have to be blue about? Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people. Maybe a little Styrofoam. 33. I welcome it. And there's no shortage of volunteers; everyone complains about politicians. Deal with it. It creates a hostile work environment. Were gonna save the fuckin planet? That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. Laugh until you gasp for breath. George Carlin, 3. No nothing. It's true! Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. How do school teachers handle this? I, George Carlin, being of sound mind, do not wish, upon my demise, to be buried or cremated. a few weeks ago, comedy at its best pushes our buttons and challenges our ways of thinking. People are fucking nuts. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. (154), Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. Because they got a letter from a minister in Mississippi! I hate groups of people but I love individuals. In one semester, in shop class, all the guys went from making zip guns to hash pipes. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? He is the victim of an accident. In the bullshit department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. George Carlin, 2. ""Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? It is a coincidence. It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. Name six ways were better than chickens. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. We haven't tried that for a while. A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. - George Carlin. Is this the noblest thing that women can think of? And they support the South American DEATH squads. After all, he was one of the most successful comedians of all time! Nature is in here. I gave up on this stuff. 29. For twelve dollars. What's the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months? Its no secret that George Carlin was a bit of a political philosopher. When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? You ever notice that? Enjoy! When youre born in America, you get a front-row seat. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! People who have large gums and small teeth. Everybody gets one swing. That way, perhaps we can add our own special, obscene imprint to Christmas in Midtown.". That is against their interests. 51. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but Im just not close enough to get the job done.. A dentist with blood in his hair. We have a son in public school who hasn't shot any of his classmates yet. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Because theres no money in that problem. 50. Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesnt need guidance from. George Carlin, 61. I wish to be BLOWN UP. And even if it's something that anyone would really want that much. 60+ Hilarious George Carlin Quotes and Jokes | Thought Catalog It's ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths! They don't fall out of the sky; they don't pass through a membrane from a separate reality. George Carlin - Quotes, Death & 7 Words - Biography You know why? Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so theyre gonna tell you some things you shouldnt say because theyresins. Just like homeless people. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? Why are there ten? ""This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be. Edited by Liz O. Baylen and Mike Benoist. George Carlin Quotes. Then you're just what they're looking for. George Carlin murders a conservative from beyond the grave. - Reddit They all said: Try to live together peacefully. BAM! When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. It presents itself as fairness, yet attempts to restrict and control peoples language with strict codes and rigid rules. George Carlin, 60. And, by the way, theres nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. Some people see the glass half full, others see it half empty. Save the planet! Don't give your money to the church. "Land of the Free," "Home of the Brave," "The American Dream," "All men are equal," "Justice is blind," "The Press is free," "Your vote counts," "Business is honest," "The good guys win," "The police are on your side," "God is watching you," "Your standard of living will never decline" and "Everything is going to be just fine:" the official national bullshit story. This ought to get the ball rolling; I'm hoping you people will take it from here. I have certain rules I live by. You have owners. So they killed a lot of white English people, in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out of the rest of the red Indian people, so they move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. Thats the only thing keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. George Carlin, 57. I call it circling the drain And the circles get smaller and smaller and faster and faster, if you watch the sink empty Huish! It's like "pre-recorded" "This program was pre-recorded." The difference for me is that conservatives are more interested in property values and rights and free markets, and liberals are more interested in human rights. It was in 1951, when I was 14, when grass swept the neighborhood. 47. And the supreme arrogance? Because chickens are decent people. One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is "libertarian". ", "Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. In America, anyone can become president. You ever watch golf on television? You don't need ten. George Carlin quotes and jokes about humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. And Bush is pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before. That kind of shit is very limiting for this brain we have. So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. No war on homelessness. Sooner or later, the people in this country are . They want your fuckin' retirement money. Its interested in its own power. George Carlin was posthumously awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor in 2008, after he passed away that year at the age of 71. Now I feel better. His father was from Donegal, Ireland, and his mother was Irish-American. The best (and funniest) George Carlin Quotes on politics, life & death and of course the American government You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country? Let's kill a beautiful tree that's been alive for seventy-five years and bring it to New York City. Who the fuck is going to invade the US? My first rule, I dont believe anything the government tells me And I dont take very seriously the media or the press in this country. George Carlin, 82. Its so fuckin heroic. George Carlin, 18. Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.You have no choice. Dont sweat the petty things and dont pet the sweaty things. George Carlin, 19. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place. George Carlin, 31. Everybody says they suck. And generally speaking, people onthe right of center, are interested in property values, property, property rights. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. He was a "political" comic the way George Orwell was a "political" writer. One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. George Carlin, 51. I'm tired of this shit being presented in the context of real news. Anyone who mentions Jesus more than three hundred times in a two-minute conversation. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're f**ked." "Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Keep 'em showing up at those. That's what you do. "Well, it's God's will." If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. They want me to call that thing in the street a "person-hole cover;" I think that's taking it a little bit too far. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. Its a fucking sacrilege! Dole kept saying "I'm a plain and honest man." We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. On the radio. (206), There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach contracting, I'm sick of hearing about a baby being kept alive on a resuscitator while doctors wait for a kidney to be flown in on a private jet contributed by some corporation seeking good publicity because they just killed six thousand people in Pakistan with a chemical spill. I'd like to begin by saying fuck Lance Armstrong. 41. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. 3. Youll never see the black guys going, Oh, golly! 21 George Carlin Quotes On Government And Politics Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. Plus he knocked up your daughter. Weve added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin, 6. Pretty neat deal, huh? Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. It's not intelligent to stand around with a controlled fire sticking out of your mouth. Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats. This country is big-time pig time Change the bald eagle to a big bowl of macaroni and cheese. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_zwB6GLpo4&w=584&h=390]. The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions While Wearing Sunglasses, You Can Be The Reason Someone Feels Okay In Their OwnSkin, The Best Dating Sites and Apps: Complete List of the Top Online DatingPlatforms. They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. George Carlin, 16. Skip the clouds and get to the fucking. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. The actual author of this quote is Roger J. Corless, from his book "The Vision of Buddhism: the Space Under the Tree". The CIA doesn't kill anybody anymore, they, I have certain rules I live by. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck. George Carlin, 52. Here are some of our favorite George Carlin quotes on politics. The right wing's last line of defense on campus. Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. Carry a pad and pencil with you, you'll wind up with thirty or forty names by the end of the day. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin, 10. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? You rarely see a bumper sticker that says: Save the tumors. Or I brake for advanced melanoma. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. He was regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics of all time. Carlin and his older brother, Pat, were primarily raised by their mother in Manhattan's Morningside Heights neighborhood. Everyone smiles in the same language. George Carlin, 35. The less said about it the better. George Carlin, 38. Instead, what you do is kick him in the nuts. Some people don't want you to mention certain things. 11 Profound Quotes on Politics by George Carlin Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. Forget the politicians. Am I missing something? War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field waving their pricks at one another. Im completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. Opinion: With apologies to George Carlin, here are seven words they can Carlin got famous for his bit about the words you cant say on television, but his legacy speaks of so much more, wisdom and wit that deserve to live on through the ages. I'm also tired of hearing about 'innocent victims'. I'm the first one to say it's a great country, but it's a. If the parent corporation doesnt want you to know something, it wont be on the news. ""Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. Happy was into grass and grass alone Happy, that's all he did. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other peoples stuff. OK? Didn't need any help on that ladder. Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? 51 Genius Quotes That Prove George Carlin Was A Modern Philosopher George Carlin: Jammin' in New York (1992) - Quotes - IMDb Are these people kidding? Carlin dropped out of high school and was stationed in Barksdale Air Force Base in Bossier City, Louisiana in 1954 . So arrogant. They're all in favor of the unborn. 80% of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. Where would we be without our safe, familiar, American bullshit? It doesnt only represent the good things. ", So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. Nobody goes right to work. We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers' attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. "(pop, pop) Been up all week, man! We dont even know how to take care of ourselves; we havent learned how to care for one another. Bashful didn't use drugs. Fertilization: When the sperm fertilizes the egg, which is usually a few moments after the man says, "Gee, honey, I was gonna pull out, but the phone rang and it startled me." [] I look at war a little bit differently. I can't wait for some of these cities to disappear. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. The Zen Teachings of George Carlin, a Comedian Who Pointed the Way This is what our system produces, folks. They must really be bad; they'd have to be outrageous to be separated from a group that large! And I would admit, that somewhere underneath all this there's a little flicker of a flame of idealism that would love to see it all huish! It creates a hostile work environment." 43. (224), Many people work on war plans; not too many work on peace plans. I am perfectly willing to share the room with a fly, as long as he is patrolling that portion of the room I dont occupy. A lot of these cultural crimes I've been complaining about can be blamed on the Baby Boomers, something else I'm getting tired of hearing aboutwhiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "GIMME IT, IT'S MINE!" Disclaimer: As an Amazon Associate We earn from qualifying purchases. And you might have noticed something else. They should be giving their money to you. My first rule: I dont believe anything the government tells me. And if, somehow, you must join, if its unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. Bullshit is rampant. They never mention that part to us, do they? George Carlin, 50. You have no right to complain. So maybe its not the politicians who suck; maybe its something else. Carlin was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics, religion, psychology, language and taboo subjects. Offer good while supplies last. You don't wait thirty years. "Hey! Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms. They don't take into them the idea that we are part of it. I am perfectly willing to share the room with a fly, as long as he is patrolling that portion of the room I don't occupy. Your email address will not be published. A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. If black boxes survive air crashes why dont they make the whole plane out of that stuff? George Carlin, 55. So come on in. Thats what all that adolescent, macho, male posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. Think of the intellect it must take to derive pleasure from this activity: Hitting a ball with a crooked stickand walking after it! If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're f**ked. I'm the Founder of SucceedFeed.com and I truly appreciate you taking the time to read my posts and being apart of the Succeed Feed community. 87 Best George Carlin Quotes On Education, Politics & Life That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one . The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin, 13. Its the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin different. Daniel Kurtzman is a political journalist turned satirist. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. The stand up comic was an artist who did more than articulate the public's subconscious; he. George Carlin - Government doesn't care about you - YouTube Actually, I dont care, I drink it anyway. Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result." You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." That's what they told us they were, remember? We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. It can help you a lot. George Carlin, 8. If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You ever watch golf on television? A boring game for boring people. Everybody's going to save something now. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. The original quote is, "We make ourselves miserable by first closing ourselves off from reality and then collecting this and that in an attempt to make ourselves happy by possessing happiness. I say, "Hey, professor! It's an arrogant thing to place a burning barrier between you and the rest of the world. The Divine Plan. If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. If you take five white guys and put em with five black guys, and let em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, youll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. Its only a piece of cloth. George Carlin, 75.The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful of insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Electricity is really just organized lightning. All right, that's enough of that. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. I leave that to others. No contest! 25. Fairly simple thing. And besides telling you things you shouldnt say, religion is gonna suggest some things that you ought to be saying; Heres something you ought to say first thing when you wake up in the morning; heres something you ought to say just before you go to sleep at night; heres something we always say on the third Wednesday in April after the first full moon in spring at 4 oclock when the bells ring. Religion is always suggesting things you ought to be saying. But no, Dorko in the plaid knickers is gonna hit it again, and walk some more. But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins, and not every egg makes it that far. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. You're a winner!" And you might have noticed something else. Otherwise it doesn't really work, does it? Some of these one-liners included: "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. On Election Day, I stay home. There are no innocent victims. That's what I say. Thats the problem. George Carlin, 58. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. Like the public. Especially if it's me! And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass. George Carlin, 79. I have major psychotic fucking hatreds. That's why we have a drug problem, I feel; it's because everyone has access to drugsit's all those DRUG stores, right? It's interested in its own power, that's the only thing, keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. Selling is legal. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. Because I think we squandered great gifts. That's what all that adolescent, macho, male posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. You're reading a nice story, and suddenly the writer has to stop and describe the clouds. I wonder why prostitution is illegal. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. George Carlin, 9. George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, singer, voice artist, and comedian, noted especially for his irreverent attitude and his observations on politics, language, psychology, and religion, as well as some taboo subjects. You ever see these guys? Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin, 41. It is one that we need to function as a society. They'd look up in the sky and see "the person in the moon". The people are fucked! George Carlin, 80. I dont have pet peeves. Religion is nothing but mind control. Dont look for it. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. Well, if it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about? George Carlin - Wikiquote
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